Turtleʼs Thoughts™ on Airports

by William Jackson on 1999-06-09

I will start by saying that the reason someone thought up the idea of airports is so they could charge outrageous sums of money for airfare, preying upon one of humanities greatest weaknesses: the overwhelming urge to visit oneʼs mother. Sure, other variables factor into the great airport equation (these will be mentioned below), but this reason is the first driving force behind the “Airport Mentality”.

Itʼs June first. The phone rings. Itʼs your mother. The conversation begins with the usual social facades everyone uses with their mothers. No one wants their mothers to know that they actually love them. Anyway, when you finally hang up the receiver, you can hardly contain your enthusiasm. A family reunion has been scheduled! Then your mind clicks. A … family reunion … has been … scheduled? Enter the second driving force in the Airport Mentality: the overwhelming urge to flee before oneʼs in-laws.

This is where the battle begins (and of course, this is your mind speaking). “I want to go, my mother will be there!” “I donʼt want to go, my in-laws will be there!” “I want to go, Iʼll get to fly on an airplane!” Memories of TWA pop into your head. “I donʼt want to go, Iʼll have to fly on an airplane!”

Iʼve just touched upon another reason why airports are so popular: the overwhelming urge to be something one is not and cannot be. In this case, I speak of the birds. Who has not had a dream in which they are flying? This is by far the most popular dream on the open market. And for just three easy installments of $29.95 … sorry.

Iʼve also mentioned a self-created enemy of the Airport Mentality: the overwhelming urge to live another day. I donʼt think I have to elaborate too much on that one.

So when you fly off on your vacation this summer, think about how these four “overwhelming urges” affect your decisions. Truthfully? Itʼs scary!

This is Turtle, signing off.

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