Subtle Coolness · chrono index · alpha index

Turtleʼs Thoughts™ on Airports

by William Jackson on 1999-06-09

I will start by saying that the reason someone thought up the idea of airportsis so they could charge outrageous sums of money for airfare, preying upon oneof humanities greatest weaknesses: the overwhelming urge to visit oneʼsmother. Sure, other variables factor into the great airport equation (these willbe mentioned below), but this reason is the first driving force behind the“Airport Mentality”.

Itʼs June first. The phone rings. Itʼs your mother. Theconversation begins with the usual social facades everyone uses with theirmothers. No one wants their mothers to know that they actually love them.Anyway, when you finally hang up the receiver, you can hardly contain yourenthusiasm. A family reunion has been scheduled! Then your mind clicks. A… family reunion … has been … scheduled? Enter the seconddriving force in the Airport Mentality: the overwhelming urge to flee beforeoneʼs in-laws.

This is where the battle begins (and of course, this is your mind speaking).“I want to go, my mother will be there!” “I donʼt wantto go, my in-laws will be there!” “I want to go, Iʼll get to_fly_ on an airplane!” Memories of TWA pop into your head. “Idonʼt want to go, Iʼll have to fly on an airplane!”

Iʼve just touched upon another reason why airports are so popular: theoverwhelming urge to be something one is not and cannot be. In this case, Ispeak of the birds. Who has not had a dream in which they are flying? This is byfar the most popular dream on the open market. And for just three easyinstallments of $29.95 … sorry.

Iʼve also mentioned a self-created enemy of the Airport Mentality: theoverwhelming urge to live another day. I donʼt think I have to elaboratetoo much on that one.

So when you fly off on your vacation this summer, think about how these four“overwhelming urges” affect your decisions. Truthfully? Itʼsscary!

This is Turtle, signing off.

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