Turtleʼs Thoughts™ on Threats

by William Jackson on 1999-06-15

Although usually an unhappy topic, itʼs amazing what threats can andcanʼt do. Lucky for you, I have several examples. Isnʼt this soinspiring?

Case 1: Last week I had the opportunity to assist in the instruction of youngboys in the art of archery. These boys, whose ages ranged anywhere from six toeleven, were covertly competing against each other to see who could launch hisprojectile the farthest. Of course, the other staff members and I had toretrieve the arrows, and, being our lazy selves, we didnʼt want to walkmore than absolutely necessary. Therefore, this situation called for anappropriate threat.

“Do it again, kid, and weʼll duct tape you to the target and paintconcentric circles on your stomach.”

Now, we knew that the head instructor, Mr. Tom, wouldnʼt let us do this,but the kids didnʼt have to know. This tactic worked quite well until oneof the older boys was smart enough to realize that there was nothing behind ourthreat. We walked farther the rest of the week. The battle was lost. The warstill rages.

Case 2: This is a brief one. Itʼs painful for me to dwell on threats thatdonʼt accomplish anything. It brings a tear to my eye …

For some reason unknown to me my sister can get away with almost anything. Thatbrings a tear to my eye as well. Accordingly, threats neither work against hernor bother her. Sheʼll run to my mother, put on her “sweetchild” charade, and it all comes out right in the end … for her.Iʼm the one at fault. I threatened her. My mother locks me in my room.Itʼs as simple as that.

Case 3: This case encompasses the notorious line, “Itʼs not athreat, itʼs a promise.” As everyone knows, this only causes theone being threatened to know what little you can do to follow through on youthreat. Itʼs like reverse psychology, only in reverse. So that would makeit reverse reverse psychology, or maybe forward psychology. But that makes itregular old psychology. Maybe itʼs not reverse, but to the left. Thatsounds right. To-the-left psychology. An interesting field of study.

“Whatʼs your major?”

“Oh, Iʼm going to double-major in upside-down chaos theory andto-the-left psychology. How about you?”

“I was going to go into somersault calculus, but now Iʼm notsure.”

Iʼm so glad thereʼs no such thing as to-the-left psychology. Youshould be, too. Donʼt forget to go out and make an empty threat at leastonce a day this week! Itʼs good for you.

This is Turtle, signing off.

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