Subtle Coolness · chrono index · alpha index

A new product from TurtleSoft, Inc.!

by William Jackson on 2000-01-15

Do you live a hard life? Do your friends, classmates, teachers, coaches, and parents treat you unfairly? Are you swamped down with more work than you feel like you can handle? Are you looking for some way to release all the built-up frustrations inside of you? Well, friend, look no further. May I now present to you the all-new, state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line, no-batteries-needed, no-assembly-required, super-duper, voice-activated Complain-o-Matic 2000! Thatʼs right, all your tensions will be flushed away with this new product from TurtleSoft, Inc.

“Wonderfully innovative!” comments Mom. “Hey, it actually works!” says sister. “Itʼs like a plunger for your conscience,” brother raves. Other unnamed critics, too numerous to be cited here, have graced this new product with their praise.

Now I know what youʼre thinking: “This thing must cost a fortune!” Well, prepare to be amazed! Due to a special arrangement with sweat-shops in Far East countries, we are able to offer this wonderful product at the incredible price of … nothing! Can you believe it? Neither can we! So hurry, before this once-in-a-lifetime chance passes you by.

Easy and immediate activation makes this product a must for those with high-strung lives. Just address an email to, type your complaints in the body of the message, and click the send button. What could be easier? We havenʼt found out yet.

So relieve yourself of all your strenuous and overbearing thoughts and type them away with TurtleSoft, Inc.ʼs new Complain-o-Matic 2000!

Act now while supplies last. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. TurtleSoft, Inc. is not affiliated with any sweat-shops in Far East countries. Must be at least two years or older to participate. This ad was inspired by Janna Otomo. May we all learn that everyone needs someone to complain to. Thank you. Have a nice day.