Subtle Coolness · chrono index · alpha index

Harrison Ford, Eat Your Heart Out

by William Jackson on 2004-08-19

I am very proud of my criminal record.

What I mean is, I am proud of my lack of a criminal record. Specifically, I ampleased with the fact that I have never received a citation, ticket or the likefor a traffic violation. Iʼve never even been pulled over by the police, ever.

What I mean is, Iʼve never received a ticket for a traffic violation on thiscontinent. I would say in this hemisphere (because that sounds moreimpressive), but I was barely west of the Prime Meridian at the time, so thatwouldnʼt be true; and of course, the particular violation I have in mind canʼtbe tracked back to me anyway.

So in theory, I am an international fugitive. But in reality, I payed the ticketand got on with my life.

Basingstoke, 2001-10-09

This isnʼt a picture of the car I was driving, but it is the same model, so youcan have an idea. I was on exchanges with a member of the ward in Selsdon, onthe outskirts of south London. We were trying to find the location of an addresswe had, and the member was giving me directions. The member knew the city quitewell; he was a bus driver by trade.

We were sitting at a red light, when my navigator suddenly turned to me andsaid, “Oh, weʼre in a bus-only lane!”

“Well, thatʼs wonderful,” I replied in sarcasm.

Twenty silent seconds later, the copilot pointed at what appeared to be a amppost on the other side of the intersection and said, “Look, thereʼs a trafficcamera!”

“Well, thatʼs wonderful.” We waved.

Two weeks later, we received a telephone call from the mission office, lettingus know that there was a ticket coming in the mail for us and one of us (therewere four missionaries in the apartment) needed to pay it. The date, time andlocation of the violation were printed on the ticket, but so much time hadpassed that it took me two days to realize that this was the outcome of mylittle joyride with the bus driver.