Low IQ? Be a Thief!
by William Jackson on 2004-08-26
Two of my close friends were victimized by thieves in the past week. Judgingfrom their behavior (the thievesʼ), I have come to the conclusion that itdoesnʼt take a load of brains to steal stuff. Here are some examples of cleverthievery I have gleaned from my friendsʼ experiences.
- Donʼt be seen. Both criminals succeeded in getting away with the goodsunnoticed. Iʼm surprised they had the sense to follow this step, though.
- If there are keys next to the target purse, donʼt bother. Of course therewill be no identifying material inside the purse that may lead you to a caror apartment or house with which the keys might fit. Coincidentally, thecontents of the purse are probably more valuable than the contents of theaforementioned car or apartment or house, anyway.
- If you manage to score a phone inside the purse, donʼt forget to answer itwhen it rings. Who knows but what the owner of the purse is a drug dealerand someone is trying to make a payment?
- Perhaps it would be better to return missed calls, too, especially ifsomeone called the phone about a dozen times the night it was stolen. Theyobviously wanted to talk to someone or they wouldnʼt have called so manytimes. The morning after the theft is a good time to do this.
- When you do return those calls, remember to make up a stupid alibi whenyou are accused of stealing the purse. “I was working at a construction siteat 11:00 at night,” is a good one Iʼve heard recently.
- Lay low; donʼt make any purchases with the stolen credit/debit cards.Someone somewhere might be able to track you somehow. I think.
- If you must buy something, go to places like Walgreenʼs and Payless, so asnot to draw attention to yourself. I think Payless is having that $5-$7-$9sale at the moment, so go knock yourself out.
Note: all of this actually happened.