Low IQ? Be a Thief!

2004-08-26 04:07:00 +0000

Two of my close friends were victimized by thieves in the past week. Judging from their behavior (the thievesʼ), I have come to the conclusion that it doesnʼt take a load of brains to steal stuff. Here are some examples of clever thievery I have gleaned from my friendsʼ experiences.

  1. Donʼt be seen. Both criminals succeeded in getting away with the goods unnoticed. Iʼm surprised they had the sense to follow this step, though.
  2. If there are keys next to the target purse, donʼt bother. Of course there will be no identifying material inside the purse that may lead you to a car or apartment or house with which the keys might fit. Coincidentally, the contents of the purse are probably more valuable than the contents of the aforementioned car or apartment or house, anyway.
  3. If you manage to score a phone inside the purse, donʼt forget to answer it when it rings. Who knows but what the owner of the purse is a drug dealer and someone is trying to make a payment?
  4. Perhaps it would be better to return missed calls, too, especially if someone called the phone about a dozen times the night it was stolen. They obviously wanted to talk to someone or they wouldnʼt have called so many times. The morning after the theft is a good time to do this.
  5. When you do return those calls, remember to make up a stupid alibi when you are accused of stealing the purse. “I was working at a construction site at 11:00 at night,” is a good one Iʼve heard recently.
  6. Lay low; donʼt make any purchases with the stolen credit/debit cards. Someone somewhere might be able to track you somehow. I think.
  7. If you must buy something, go to places like Walgreenʼs and Payless, so as not to draw attention to yourself. I think Payless is having that $5-$7-$9 sale at the moment, so go knock yourself out.

Note: all of this actually happened.