Subtle Coolness · chrono index · alpha index

Low IQ? Be a Thief!

by William Jackson on 2004-08-26

Two of my close friends were victimized by thieves in the past week. Judgingfrom their behavior (the thievesʼ), I have come to the conclusion that itdoesnʼt take a load of brains to steal stuff. Here are some examples of cleverthievery I have gleaned from my friendsʼ experiences.

  1. Donʼt be seen. Both criminals succeeded in getting away with the goodsunnoticed. Iʼm surprised they had the sense to follow this step, though.
  2. If there are keys next to the target purse, donʼt bother. Of course therewill be no identifying material inside the purse that may lead you to a caror apartment or house with which the keys might fit. Coincidentally, thecontents of the purse are probably more valuable than the contents of theaforementioned car or apartment or house, anyway.
  3. If you manage to score a phone inside the purse, donʼt forget to answer itwhen it rings. Who knows but what the owner of the purse is a drug dealerand someone is trying to make a payment?
  4. Perhaps it would be better to return missed calls, too, especially ifsomeone called the phone about a dozen times the night it was stolen. Theyobviously wanted to talk to someone or they wouldnʼt have called so manytimes. The morning after the theft is a good time to do this.
  5. When you do return those calls, remember to make up a stupid alibi whenyou are accused of stealing the purse. “I was working at a construction siteat 11:00 at night,” is a good one Iʼve heard recently.
  6. Lay low; donʼt make any purchases with the stolen credit/debit cards.Someone somewhere might be able to track you somehow. I think.
  7. If you must buy something, go to places like Walgreenʼs and Payless, so asnot to draw attention to yourself. I think Payless is having that $5-$7-$9sale at the moment, so go knock yourself out.

Note: all of this actually happened.