The Monster Cometh

by William Jackson on 2005-03-22

You know how you tell something to someone, or write an email about whatyou did one day, and then you want other people to know about it, too,but you feel bad and unoriginal about using the exact same words morethan once?

That feeling is welling up inside me, but I am going to supress itbecause I really want more than just my siblings to know about this. ButI definitely will not use the exact same words as I did the first time.

If you are a tortilla, I am your worst nightmare.

There are eleven less flour tortillas in the world right now than therewere this morning, all because of me.

I had plenty of time before school this morning, so I decided to take aluxury and cook myself something for breakfast. I scrambled up someeggs, grated up some cheese, and ate it all up on flour tortillas. Threetortillas scrubbed before 9:00 AM. So begins the rampage.

I have a break in between classes, but it is not long enough for me togo home, so I often buy lunch on campus. Last week was Spring Break, soI was missing Taco Bell. Also, I probably have a crush on Gladys, thishot woman that takes orders there. I am so happy when I get Gladys.Today I got Gladys, and ordered my customary three soft tacos (withadded sour cream and tomatoes), and I said, “Thank you, Gladys.” One ofmy grand dreams in life is to be recognized at a restaurant and be ableto order just by saying, “the usual.” Only in my dream it isnʼt TacoBell, but a really ritzy black tie affair. But for now, Taco Bell willdo. Thatʼs three more tortillas bumped off while the afternoon was stillyoung.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “Three plus three equalssix. Eleven minus six equals five,” and you are correct.

For dinner I fried myself some chicken and onions and chili powder andbasil, put it all in five tortillas with grated cheese on top, and ateit. Unabashedly. I was some sort of unsatiable tortilla-eating monster.

Now if you will excuse me, I am feeling raspy and I have a date withsome lemonade made from concentrate.