The Monster Cometh

2005-03-22 17:02:00 +0000

You know how you tell something to someone, or write an email about what you did one day, and then you want other people to know about it, too, but you feel bad and unoriginal about using the exact same words more than once?

That feeling is welling up inside me, but I am going to supress it because I really want more than just my siblings to know about this. But I definitely will not use the exact same words as I did the first time.

If you are a tortilla, I am your worst nightmare.

There are eleven less flour tortillas in the world right now than there were this morning, all because of me.

I had plenty of time before school this morning, so I decided to take a luxury and cook myself something for breakfast. I scrambled up some eggs, grated up some cheese, and ate it all up on flour tortillas. Three tortillas scrubbed before 9:00 AM. So begins the rampage.

I have a break in between classes, but it is not long enough for me to go home, so I often buy lunch on campus. Last week was Spring Break, so I was missing Taco Bell. Also, I probably have a crush on Gladys, this hot woman that takes orders there. I am so happy when I get Gladys. Today I got Gladys, and ordered my customary three soft tacos (with added sour cream and tomatoes), and I said, “Thank you, Gladys.” One of my grand dreams in life is to be recognized at a restaurant and be able to order just by saying, “the usual.” Only in my dream it isnʼt Taco Bell, but a really ritzy black tie affair. But for now, Taco Bell will do. Thatʼs three more tortillas bumped off while the afternoon was still young.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “Three plus three equals six. Eleven minus six equals five,” and you are correct.

For dinner I fried myself some chicken and onions and chili powder and basil, put it all in five tortillas with grated cheese on top, and ate it. Unabashedly. I was some sort of unsatiable tortilla-eating monster.

Now if you will excuse me, I am feeling raspy and I have a date with some lemonade made from concentrate.