Turtleʼs Thoughts™ on Chores

by William Jackson on 1999-06-22

Everybody has them. Everybody does them. Everybody hates them. If you donʼt, we need to speak privately. Yes, I am speaking of chores, those wonderful things parents use to occupy you. There are daily chores, as (almost) everyone knows, and there are “special” chores. First come the daily chores.

As you may already know, I am a member of a family of eleven children. One is out of the house at this writing, but that doesnʼt change much at home. Even if all the “normal” chores are assigned, everyone must have something to do. Therefore, this week, I am assigned the following chore: “Wash by hand all the dishes that are too large to fit in the dishwasher.” You may immediately think, as I did, “What kind of chore is that? Who thought that up?” I asked my mother those very questions. Of course, I didnʼt ask her in that particular tone. I want to live to see my next birthday, you see. I asked politely, “Was this chore your idea? Is it really necessary?”

Her immediate reply was, “If you are going to complain about your job, then Iʼm going to take away points!”

A brief explanation of “points”. We get “points” when we do our chores and other extra things around the house. At the end of the week, we can “buy” items with our points. Of course, all the items are outrageously priced, so you have to work your fingers off to buy a “fun-sized” candy bar. Now that I mentioned it, one-bite-and-itʼs-gone is not my idea of “fun-sized”. Back to the subject, I really donʼt care for points, so I just do my job whenever I feel like it, or when Mother makes me. Iʼve gotten to where I am indifferent to washing dishes now. Is that good or bad?

Now on to “special” chores. Evidently, when you are offered a “special” chore, it is the equivalent of your guardian saying, “Youʼre going to do this whether you like it or not, even though itʼs not part of your regular chore schedule (pronounced ‘shed-yule’).” As you can see, chore-givers try to use psychology to trick you into wanting to do chores (for a shallow look at psychology, please see Turtleʼs Thoughts™ on Threats).

Now, on to what this article was truly written for. Strike! Loyal followers, you must refuse to do chores for the rest of the summer months! Parents, please refer to the Legal Disclaimer found below. In short, I cannot be found liable for any actions taken in response to this article.

This is Turtle, signing off.

Legal Disclaimer: This article, or any part of it, may not be reproduced in any way, shape, or form, for any reason, commercial or otherwise, without express written permission from the author. This article is intended for general humor only, and not to poke fun at any race, religion, culture, civilization, continent, city, village, or operating system. Windows! Ha ha ha! All characters and incidents conveyed in this article are works of fiction, period. Any resemblance to any character or incident conveyed in this article is strictly coincidental, unless the author says so. Need I say more? Unix! Ha ha ha! MicroTurtle, Inc., any divisions of MicroTurtle, Inc., and its employees cannot be found liable for any actions taken as a direct or indirect response to this article, whether against or in favor of any opinions expressed in it. Macintosh! Ha ha ha!

Turtleʼs Thoughts™ is a weekly publication of anything and everything that pops into Turtleʼs head and that he would like to share with the general public. Turtleʼs Thoughts™ is a division of MicroTurtle, Inc. TELL YOUR FRIENDS! Can I make myself any more clear? I want to generate as many laughs as humanly possible. Any questions and/or comments concerning this or any other article in the Turtleʼs Thoughts™ series can be sent to minijackson@juno.com. Although no one will ever send me one, a small monetary donation is always nice.

Unless something really bad happens, Turtleʼs Thoughts™ will reach you Tuesday Morning (Central Standard Time, USA) each week.

Something really bad is about to happen! I regret to inform you that, due to unavoidable circumstances, Turtleʼs Thoughts™ may not reach you on 28 June and/or 5 July. I apologize for any inconvenience, although I am unaware of any addictions to my writing thus far.

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